World Anti-DrugTransnational Internet contest - "Maya"

I cannot start writing. I’m sick… both morally and physically. Actually, these feelings always come together. I’ve just seen the blog’s promo. I stopped looking in the mirror, because of my rapid aging. Women will understand me. All the women, despite their way of living, notice every wrinkle and can barely get used to them. However, they still have time and years, and I never had them. In half of the year after taking medications, my face was covered with small wrinkles, and in two years I turned into the crone of 100 years. I couldn’t put it up with my aging. I cannot find proper clothes, which will go well with my face. I’ve lost the will to write my blog, and I can barely find proper words. I started writing about one thing, but then my sore inside feeling just broke me down. This breakdown is usually accompanied by physical pains. I’ve had cough, temperature, candidosis in my gullet. Over and over I have to take medications.

Once I read about the meaning of my name and that it carries the hard fate with the loss of moral and material values, assuming that my life will start over and over from scratch. This is what I’ve gone through. For all my life, I’ve proved the truth that every name explains the fate of a person, or rather of a personality.

Up to 20 years I used to be naive and pure girl. I was full of energy, participated in social events, I was as an ideal komsomol girl, leader and organizer. I was a fighter for the truth. For the sake of truth, I could act for my own detriment. Authorities never existed for me, except justice. I could say anything to my professor, could offend him. I clearly remember one of the komsomol meetings, where we condemned a girl, who stole the dress from the store… I remember how angry I was, cause I couldn’t get how she took something that didn’t belong to her. I was literally boiling with fury.

Money was not among my values at that time. I don’t remember that anyone from my surrounding wanted to become rich or something. We all wanted to become astronauts, artists, scientists. For me it was really scaring to understand that I can live my life and no one, but my relatives would know remember about my existence. It was like dying unknown.

The boredom and disappointment came to me, when I was 20. I dealt with people for whom there were no other interests except clothes, furniture, guys and etc. I didn’t like that all. I started to read people and saw what they thought or said. I could see the difference. My misfortune is that I didn’t meet the people with the same views and interests, like I had in math for example. Wherever I’ve been, I always solved different tasks, and always took my books. I also didn’t meet the mutual love, so the life would seem interesting. I mean it’s quite logical how I came to the criminal life. This life mode quickly enthralled and whirled me.

Having met my husband, who with such fascination told about another life with other relationships among people, I thought: “Here the honesty and truth are!” Everything was so beautiful. All of my values simply reversed, and this moment drugs played a huge role. Having tried it for the first time, I couldn’t stop for many years. It was not anymore shameful to steal from the state. Vice versa, it was so honorable to steal and not to be caught. I couldn’t accept and understand one thing – how people could steal from private bodies and kill for money. It took many years for me to understand that I was in the wrong company, which gradually ruined my life. The world of crime and drugs was full of lies. I was grabbed by fairytales which turned into lies in the end. I gave the birth to my boy at 36, and everything has changed. I’ve had a faith in God. I’ve had repentance for everything that I did. I’ve had an understanding of sins. I finally understood that we all are sinners and started to forgive people. I started my life from scratch.