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A long time ago, I noticed that after any nervous breakdowns, even the minor one, the serious chronic diseases, which you seem to forget about, usually become sharper. As a result of my recent worries, I started to feel really bad. My blood pressure decreased and I felt the strong crack-up with a temperature around 37-38. In 4 days the ambulance deliriously brought me to the hospital with the temperature of around 40. Three days later, I felt candidosis in my throat and started to take antifungal medications. In the hospital X-rays showed the acute bronchitis and pneumonia.

Actually, I go through the illness quite well. I recover pretty fast, when I try to move or do something, and only when I fall down with a temperature around 40, as now, against my own will I’m taken to the hospital. To be true, I hate it. Anyways, in three or four days I come back home, when all the analyses are taken and treatment is assigned. This time the ambulance took me from work.

Long ago, I came to the conclusion that nervous way of living is strictly prohibited with the diagnosis I have. First of all, your close ones should know this, definitely if they don’t want to get rid of you. It’s hard to explain healthy people that any trifle or small domestic conflict can end up badly for you and turn out into the disease, which you further cannot recover from.

For example, my son knows that I cannot be made nervous and we are all people, who also lose our temper from time to time. Sometimes we argue with him, but when time passes, he comes to apologize and it’s good, if this happens right away. If one day passes and we still argue, I can get sick. At its best I go through this disease quite well, at the worst – I get into the hospital. I’m so afraid of these nervous breakdowns. I just feel that one day, after a severe shock, I wouldn’t be able to recover anymore. If I cannot even bear the disease, which is in fact nothing for an ordinary person, imagine what would happen to me if it’s something serious indeed.

People like me, definitely need to have permanent consultations with a psychiatrist and be under his supervision, but in my case where can I take money for that? I’m writing this all for other people, who are sick and have an opportunity for treatment. In a struggle with HIV the nervous system must be the number one in the list of treatment procedures, however doctors have never mentioned this in the literature I’ve read. This is what I’ve learned from my personal experience. I saw how people die and what the reason was for that. Basically die those HIV infected, who are not supported by their close ones, who always have scandals at home. If a person is lonely and doesn’t have a family, even the active way of living, such as alcohol, drugs, theft, or moreover the absence of home won’t save him. These people don’t live a long life. Everyone has to draw his or her own conclusion. The question is: whether you want to live or not?

Yeah, one more thing. If anyone remembers, I’m on methadone program right now. If you take methadone without supplements, it doesn’t influence on the disease activity.

I would like to add about the reaction of my son, before the arrival of ambulance. At night he was called and asked to come to my job urgently. I was half delirious. I mean, I started waking up, when I heard my son’s voice. When he was already there with me, I woke up and realized what was happening to me. God, if only you could see his face… Pain and tears were on his face, but he didn’t notice all that. He kept saying: "If anything happens to you, how am I gonna live then?". He also said: “If you die now, I’m gonna sit into the car and push the full throttle.” I immediately woke up. I was so scared for him. I tried to calm him down somehow, but didn’t manage to. I heard that he called the ambulance and refused to go. After the injections were made, I wanted to go home right away, cause the fear that he was alone at home in this state didn’t leave me. He eventually made me stay in the hospital and no I feel much better.

You may ask: Why are you writing all this? What for? I would really like to show what is love and support of people you love. This is the enormous power, which has returned me from graveside many times. I thank God for the happiness to be close to my boy, despite my sins. God bless him.