It’s really hard to explain your feelings, when you lose a close person. I’m 20 now, and I have already buried two close people and can’t lose someone else.
First, my grandma died. I was around 6, but I remember everything so clearly. I was the last one, whom she saw before dying. Grandma was paralyzed, and she lay at home for twenty-four hours. At that moment, mom went to make tea for grandma and I stayed next to her. She was breathing loudly. She said she loved me and that the time to die had come. I said that I also loved her and then she stopped wheezing. I didn’t understand what happened, but I was embarrassed by her words. I rushed to mom to tell her about this. She started crying and shaking the grandma. I was so scared and ran away. Then everyone was running and crying. I couldn’t accept the fact that grandma was gone. Mom told me that she would be living on clouds with God. Later, when I felt really bad and missed her, I also wanted to live on clouds and fly.
At the cemetery I felt bad and hard. I couldn’t watch mom crying and was really mad at her. I don’t really know why.
When I was 19, my uncle Sasha, who was like a father for me all that time, died. He was paralyzed for 33 months, but no one expected that he could die. Mom often came and took care of him. I also visited him from time to time. In three days before his death, mom told that uncle Sasha would die, but I didn’t believe her. I regret that I didn’t see him in his last days. I had some stuff to do and always thought: “I will visit him tomorrow.” But it was already too late.
When mom called and said that uncle died on her hands, I didn’t believe her. I arrived there right away. I was like in a stupor. It seemed that he would wake up and tell us: “Come on, I was just kidding!” I felt really bad and couldn’t do anything. I didn’t already believe into the myth that he would live on the clouds in the sky. Although, I do believe in God and many times I have experienced his help to me, I couldn’t simply believe into the after death existence. The body will rot, and it’s really hard for me to imagine the immaterial life. I believe into it, as I understand it. I guess, the understanding will come with time.
Actually, the understanding of death is useless and unpleasant for me. I don’t really want to go deep into it. The most important is that mom will live, cause I cannot imagine my life without her and don’t even want to think about it. There is a line over there, and only God knows what’s gonna happen next.
Well written, dude. If I can help you somehow, let me know. Your and your mothers posts are full of energy, even though sometimes negative, but it's life. I hope she feel better now.
About a year ago I was a manager at a Recovery House in Philadelphia. one of the residents came in high but but we didn't ask him to leave which which is the rule for those who are caught using drugs. He was allowed to stay the night to speak to the owner in the morning. The Next morning I awoke to yell and panic . The young man was not waking up or responding. I quickly grabbed him and laid him on the floor so I could administer CPR I was administering CPR when I noticed there was no light of life left in his eyes. I kept giving him CPR until fire rescue came but I knew he was dead. There was no light in his bright blue eyes( http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iqfCJlH9a5U).He was only 19 years old and he died of a heroin overdose. I don't like drugs but what I don't like even more is our social attitudes about drugs. I don't promote them but the truth is I've seen enough people shooting dope under bridges and in filthy decaying building to know there has got to be better way.