World Anti-DrugTransnational Internet contest - "Maya"

My son is 20 years old. He seems to be quite mature, however sufferings and moral pain that he went through, turned him into vulnerable and unsociable person. Small problems can lead him to the breakdown and in these weak moments he can mess many things up. Especially in these moments he needs a person next to him, who will be able to help him with a soft and very tactic approach. I pray the God for the woman, who will stay with him, when I leave. Although, there are only a few among youth who listen to the older generation, I think I will be able to teach her how to keep your home in peace. The main thing is her love to him. Love works miracles.

Right now, he feels comfortable and protected next to me, however at 13 he could have stayed alone. Standing at the verge of death, I saw the fear in his eyes. He never saw anything good from my side and was left for himself, whereas I was under the drugs’ control. I realized this, but was not able to change anything. I worried and suffered in my soul. My life was dark and I saw only darkness ahead. I had no idea where and how to find the way out. I saw how it gradually absorbed him. It was really scaring. I madly loved him, and I love him now, but at that time there was something stronger than me and my worries about him. I wanted to die and spare my son from me and my existence, so he wouldn’t ever know about the drugs. I sincerely thought it was a way out, and this way it will be better for him. I used to hate myself, drugs and disease. There was no one around us. Because of drugs, relatives broke with me a long time ago and they treated my son accordingly. He did not understand this, tried to keep in touch and went to visit them. I saw their attitude towards him and tried to prevent it in any possible way.

My mother died in 2004. She never turned away from me and always helped as she could. She never understood me, condemned me, but always remained with us. When she died, the one who saved us from loneliness was my only brother. We had wonderful relationships, although for the last 18 years he lived in Russia. He saw my way of living, therefore financially helped me and Edik until the last moment. I was confident that my son will be never left alone. I was sure that my brother will take him, educate and Edik won’t be in need of anything. After the mother’s death, my brother tried to convince Edik to move to his place. He visited them twice, but strongly refused to stay and ran away. I didn’t know what was better for him, but at the same time couldn’t deliver Edik from me. He was my only sun in this life.

Then my brother died. I already knew my status. I had serious breakdowns. In order to abate the thoughts about my son and his fate, I started to abuse everything at once: heroin, methadone, pills, and alcohol. It didn’t get me high though. I was dumped into the numbness and stupor and stayed like that for 1, 5 years. My organism could not stand this and physically broke up. In two hours before the death, when all the chances were lost, the God saved me. He gave me the last chance to change my life and the life of my son, so he won’t become an orphan and will follow the right path.