World Anti-DrugTransnational Internet contest - "Maya"

I have no doubts that 9 - year methadone program was a right decision, although sometimes I´ve changed my mind. The first year of my program was wonderful, my soul and body were relaxed and well-rested. I´ve got rid of many problems: there are no races for drugs anymore. I have no need to search for money and I have a lot of time. I get up in the morning thinking that it’s not gonna hurt today. The most important is that I don’t care about cops anymore. It is just the paradise I live in! I gained almost 20 kilos, despite the fact that I was already HIV positive. I started to spend much more time with my son, take care of him and he’s become closer, even though he doesn’t understand completely what has changed. I told him that I’m not that sick anymore, cause before he could only hear phrases like “leave me alone, I’m sick”, or “I’m busy” etc.

However, this paradise lasted only for a year. The psychological setup of addicts is weak enough, they hardly adapt in society. You cannot find job, there is no money and you simply don’t know how to survive in the world, which is absolutely new for you. Moreover, there was no one to teach me how to adapt. My brother used to help me financially. If not him, I would have broken off much earlier. When he died, I lost the closest person after my son. It was the most terrible period in my life. I was left alone, without any moral support, destitute with a small child, who needed to be brought up and educated, but

I was not able to give him all this. Depression didn’t leave me for a few years already. There was a relapse. First, I started with 100 grams of wine so that to keep my spirits up, in order not to start injecting. I hooked up on drugs again, because the drug sale was the only chance to solve my financial problems and I took it. Soon, I started to shoot drugs up and switched from wine to vodka. I didn’t quit methadone program though. My brain already refused to function properly…

When in 2003 I learned about my HIV positive status, the doctors promised me 5 more years of living, if I switch to sober life and healthy food. I had everything vice versa, since I was sure that I have 2-3 years left. The life was gradually coming down. I had despair, anger, hatred and contempt toward myself. No one could humiliate me more, but me. I couldn’t change anything. I didn’t even have the fear of death, but only the will to die quicker. For 1, 5 years I was drinking alcohol, pills and injecting and at the same time didn’t cancel methadone.

Now, having passed through all this, I understand that I would have made it with methadone, if the program had groups of mutual help, the permanent psychological, financial or grocery support, as well as help in finding the employment. The break-down would not happen then. In the beginning of the program, I wanted to change my life completely. Unfortunately, it would have taken a generation for some of the abovementioned conditions to start working for MRMT.